Ask Kevin: The Pregnant Predicament

Graphic by Stephanie Janeczek.
Graphic by Stephanie Janeczek.

Dear Kevin,

I’m in a bit of a predicament here. I’m nine-and-a-half months pregnant and should be expecting my little ball of sunshine any day now. However, I have two tickets to a Cher concert for this upcoming Saturday. A friend gave them to me as a gift a few months ago and I accepted them because I thought I would’ve given birth already. I don’t want to waste the tickets, but I also don’t want to experience the miracle of life in row 9, seat 7. What should I do?

-Chering is caring

 

Dear “Chering is caring,”

Wow, you weren’t kidding. This is a toughie. And I don’t know if anyone knows this about me, but I am a huge Cher fan. Like, HUGE. Cher helped me get through my second failed marriage—not to mention the audit of ‘09. So nobody knows how Cher transcends space and time quite like me. Therefore, I understand the severity of your situation.

Because if you decide to go to the concert, and God forbid your water breaks, then you might have to give birth at the arena, which could cause problems with the baby, yada yada yada…

BUT, if you don’t go to the concert, then you will be missing the single greatest entertainment extravaganza that you could ever experience, or would ever hope to be a part of ever again in your short life, so help you God.

So you have quite a decision to make.

Now, if it were me in your situation, I would go to the concert hoping that my baby is lucky enough to be born at a Cher concert. Could you imagine? Entering this world in pure ecstasy, while Cher is 50 ft. away, pelvic-thrusting to one of her many chart-topping hits like “Oh no, not my baby” or “Bang bang (my baby shot me down)”? I mean, at that point it’s almost a fact that your baby would be destined for greatness.

But, I can see that you might not be up for that. Ugh, stupid safety regulations. I don’t want to say that you’re already failing as a parent, but you kind of are. Nevertheless, let’s look at some of the pros and cons of skipping this concert, before you make the final decision.

Pros

◦ Your newborn baby will be safely born in a hospital.

◦ Um… I think that’s it?

Cons

◦ You’ll waste perfectly good Cher tickets.

◦ If you still haven’t given birth by the time the concerts over, you’ll never forgive yourself.

◦ You’ll resent your kid forever.

◦ You’ll be dead inside for the rest of your years.

◦ It will lead you down a long and dangerous path in life, where you get really excited about new shampoos, and start eating things like kale.

Plus, you have no idea how your kid will turn out. He or she could end up being a brat for all you know.

So why should this future brat be able to steal your moment from the one and only Cher-bear and make it all about him?

If you ask me, you’d be setting a dangerous precedent for your kid getting everything they want in life. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and teach them some discipline, you know?

“No you can’t have cookies before bed.”

“No you can’t bounce the ball in the house.”

“No you can’t use your birth to ultimately prevent mommy from going to her dream concert.”

When he’s older, he’ll understand.

So, Chering is Caring, you’ve got my take. And I hope you choose to do the right thing.

But… if you decide not to go to this concert for whatever reason, I wouldn’t mind taking those pesky tickets off your hands.You could stay true to your name and “Cher” your tickets with me, as a sign of thanks for the advice I just gave you.

Sounds like a plan to me!

I mean what were you thinking anyway? You’re pregnant! You can’t be going to concerts all willy-nilly like that. It would be better for the both of us if you just take it easy this week and send the tickets to:

Kevin Costner, Dean of Everything
Bridgewater State University
131 Summer Street
Bridgewater, MA, 02325

And don’t worry, I’ll take pictures.

So thanks for your question “Chering is Caring,” and I’ll be sure to make good use of those tickets! Thanks again!

Oh and good luck with your baby or whatever.

-Kevin

Need Some Advice? Email commentadvice@gmail.com to submit your questions.
And remember, there’s no such thing as a stupid question, only a stupid answer.

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